Disney's Pinocchio Part II

Like I was saying before, the original tale of Pinocchio is pretty messed up. Created by Carlo Collodi in 1883, the Italian children's book was originally a serial, but was put together into a book a few years later. The story starts off with a carpenter named Master Antonio. He finds a good piece of pinewood and is about to carve it to make a leg for his table. As he starts though, the log shouts out, "Don't strike me too hard!" This legitimately freaked out Master Antonio. His clock, candlestick and fine china talked, but a piece of wood, that was too much! He had to get rid of this thing, but didn't know exactly what to do. He looked at his fireplace, then back at the possessed log, then back at his fireplace, then back at the possessed log. Just then, his neighbor Geppetto bursts in and just happens to be looking for a piece of wood to make a puppet. Apparently, Geppetto was known for hating children. He hated them so much, in fact, that he wanted to make a wooden version of one. Your guess is as good as mine. Master Antonio sees his chance and offers the log to Geppetto.

Geppetto is incredibly poor and decides that the best use of his time is to make puppets and sell them. Geppetto begins to carve the block of wood, whom he names Pinocchio, into a puppet. As soon as he finishes Pinocchio's nose, it begins to grow. This doesn't seem to phase Geppetto, and he continues to carve this puppet. It is revealed that Pinocchio, unlike the Disney version, is extremely mischievous. So mischievous in fact, that when Geppetto finishes Pinocchio's legs, Pinocchio begins to kick Geppetto incessantly. Geppetto finishes the puppet, even though it's clearly possessed, and teaches it to walk. Pinocchio thanks him by running out of the house and out onto the town. Pinocchio is quickly picked up by the Italian version of a policeman, a Carabiniere. The policeman remembers that Geppetto hates children, so he assumes that Geppetto had been smacking Pinocchio around, which he should of been doing, and goes back to Geppetto's house and arrests him. Geppetto is thrown in jail. Pinocchio, feeling little to no shame for getting Geppetto thrown in jail, goes back to Geppetto's house to eat all his food. When he arrives, a talking cricket, who isn't given a name in this version, tells Pinocchio that boys that do not obey their parents turn into donkeys. Pinocchio decides that he's not going to take that from a cricket and throws a hammer at him. Pinocchio throws it much more accurately than he thought and accidentally kills the cricket. That's right, Pinocchio smashes Jiminy Cricket with a hammer. Don't worry, it gets better.

After committing pesticide, Pinocchio remembers that he has the munchies. He can't find anything in Geppetto's house, so he goes next door to beg for food. The neighbor is annoyed by this talking puppet because...well, it's an annoying talking puppet. The neighbor dumps a huge basin of water onto Pinocchio to get rid of him. Pinocchio runs back home to warm up, making the smartest decision he's ever made; he puts his legs on the stove, then falls asleep. When he wakes up, he finds that his legs have been burnt off. At this point, it's obvious that Pinocchio is a few prongs short of a galaxy. Geppetto returns home from jail, since in Italy they give people who abuse children one night in the pen. Geppetto makes Pinocchio new feet and feeds him the pears he bought on the way. I just realized....why does a puppet need to eat food? I mean, seriously. Anyway, to thank Geppetto, Pinocchio promises to go to school. Geppetto doesn't have money for school books so he sells his only coat.

Pinocchio heads off to school but notices a crowd gathering nearby. He looks to see what's going on and finds that their is a marionette performance going on in a theater. Pinocchio is so curious about the show that he sells his school books to get a ticket. If you already didn't hate Pinocchio, you probably do now. The puppets on stage are performing until they see Pinocchio. They get all excited an exclaim, "It's our brother, Pinocchio!" The crowd becomes upset and the "puppet wrangler" as I will refer to him, comes out to see what is going on. He becomes angry that Pinocchio ruined his show and decides to use him as firewood to cook his lamb dinner. Pinocchio pleads for his life. The puppet wrangler decides to spare Pinocchio, but then chooses to use one of the other puppets to cook his lamb. Pinocchio pleads for the puppet's life. The puppet wrangler gives up and learns of Pinocchio's poor father. He gives Pinocchio five gold pieces to give to Geppetto. I wish I could ruin somebody's show and have them give me money in the end.

Pinocchio runs home to give the money to Geppetto, when he comes across a cat and a fox. Pretending to be blind and lame, they tell Pinocchio that if he buries his money in the field of miracles, outside the city of Catchfools, they will grow into a tree with a thousand gold coins. Pinocchio is also naive in this version. He believes them and they all go off to the city of Catchfools. They stop at a tavern where the cat and fox gorge themselves on food at Pinocchio's expense and then leave Pinocchio in the night. The innkeeper wakes Pinocchio and tells him that the cat and fox had to leave in an emergency and would meet Pinocchio in Catchfools. Pinocchio sets off and is confronted by the ghost of the cricket. The ghost cricket tells Pinocchio to go back home and give Geppetto the money. Pinocchio ignores the cricket and is visibly frustrated that he doesn't have a hammer to throw at him. The cat and fox disguise themselves as bandits and jump out at Pinocchio, trying to rob him. Pinocchio sticks the coins in his mouth and climbs up a tree. The "bandits" start a fire under the tree and Pinocchio is forced to jump down. They try to pry Pinocchio's mouth open but Pinocchio bites the cat's hand off and escapes into the forest. Yeah, that's right. He bites off the cat's hand. That guy that faced Mike Tyson had it easy. You mess with Pinocchio, you're gonna lose a hand. The fox and cat catch up with Pinocchio, however, and hang him from a tree. The End. I'm serious. This was the original ending to Pinocchio. Pinocchio gets hung. Though if a puppet bit off my hand, I'd probably want to hang him too. Collodi's editor took one look at the ending and told him to rewrite it. He said it was too depressing and needed to have a happy ending. Collodi did rewrite the end, but basically wrote another half of the story instead of a new ending.

The second half of that story comes another day!

Disney's Pinocchio Part I

After the success of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Walt Disney decided that he would continue making full length animated films. The Disney animation studio's intentions were to have Bambi as it's next film, but there were too many technical issues and Pinocchio was pushed into production.

Pinocchio is not an original story. I honestly did not know that until recently. Disney's version of Pinocchio is even farther off then Snow White. In fact, it probably barely counts as being a version of the original story. Disney's version begins with a few home invasions. First, Jiminy Cricket sneaks into the wood-carver Geppetto's house to get away from the cold. He finds a crazy old man who appears to be talking to the marrionnette that he's carving. Geppetto sees a falling star and decides that he is going to wish on it that his marionnette would come to life and be a real boy. I guess he never heard of adoption. I mean come on. This took place in Italy in the 1880's, so I'm sure that all he had to do was reach a hand out of his window and he would eventually grab onto a street urchin. Geppetto falls asleep muttering to himself about real wooden boys, when the falling star comes in through his open window. The falling star turns into a blue fairy. This is the other home invasion I was talking about. Gepetto really needs to start locking his doors and windows. Apparently the blue fairy only heard part of what Geppetto asked for and made his puppet come alive, though not into a real boy. The fairy tells Pinocchio (which is what Gepetto had named him) that he could become a real boy when he becomes brave, truthful, and unselfish. Couldn't she have made him those things in the first place? Oh well. She tacks on a part about following his conscience, which Pinocchio has no idea about since he is a block of wood that just came to life. Jiminy, the other home invader, decides to show off and tells Pinocchio what a conscience is. Pinocchio reasons that this tiny creature is his conscience and the blue fairy asks Jiminy to watch out for this kid, since he would probably walk into a fire at any moment without some guidance.

Gepetto wakes up to find Pinocchio alive and is so excited that he dances with his little puppet friend. You best believe Gepetto's got moves. Instead of doing about a million other things with his new son, he sends Pinocchio to school. LAME! Pinocchio never makes it to school though, for he was sidetracked by a fox and cat named Honest John and Gideon, respectively. They convince him that school is for fools and showbiz is the way to go. They convince him to join Stromboli's puppet show, which Pinocchio does out of sheer naivety and gullibility. He becomes the star of the show but after he tries to leave, Stromboli locks him up. It turns out that people will pay to see a puppet that can turn it's body 360 degrees without losing eye contact with audience. This may of been where they got the idea for The Exorcist. Jiminy tries to save Pinocchio but it's no use. The blue fairy shows up just in time to rub it in Pinocchio's face that he messed up. She asks him what he's been up to and Pinocchio makes up terrible lies about saving a bus full of orphans and such. Pinocchio's nose grows with every lie, eventually housing a bird's nest. Pinocchio then claims that he will tell no more lies and asks the fairy to save him. She does, but warns him that she cannot help him again. I didn't know fairies had a limit to how many times they can help people. Must be tough life. Meanwhile, Honest John and Gideon meet with the corrupt coachman. The coachman tells them that he needs kids to go to Pleasure Island. This sounds promising. Pinocchio decides to head back home but is again bothered by Honest John and Gideon. Pinnochio, learning his lesson, says that he should go home. The fox and cat, growing impatient, scoop Pinocchio up and take him to Pleasure Island. While he's there, Pinocchio meets Lampwick, the most annoying character in the whole movie. They all have fun gambling, drinking and playing pool until they realize that the island is cursed. How is the island cursed? It turns kids that act like jackasses into...well...jackasses....literally. The coachman apparently uses the donkeys to work in the diamond mines. Sounds....fair. Jiminy finds out and tries to save Pinocchio. Fortunately, is he able to find him and they both escape, though Pinocchio is technically half a jackass. Lampwick, on the other hand, is a total jackass. I mean this literally. He gets turned into a donkey, much to my amusement.

The two flee home to find that Gepetto has gone to rescue Pinocchio from Pleasure Island by taking a boat onto the sea. He gets a little ways out and Jonah...er I mean Gepetto is abruptly swallowed by a whale named Monstro. That's right. Italians name local whales. Pinocchio and Jiminy attempt to save Gepetto but are also swallowed up. They find Gepetto inside with the raft. How is it that Monstro was unable to fully swallow any of them? Also, I'm pretty sure that Pinocchio has the most villains in it. Seriously, there is Monstro, Honest John, Gideon, Stromboli, and the coachman. I didn't think a puppet could have so many enemies! Anyway, Pinocchio comes up with the idea of burning part of Gepetto's boat to get Monstro to sneeze. This succeeds and they are all somehow not spit into the stratosphere. Montstro is pretty peeved that his food is getting away, even though the food consisted of an old man, some wood, a cricket, a cat, and a goldfish. That's like a M&M for us. I don't know, maybe old men and puppets are considered a delicacy by whales. Pinocchio decides to do the stupid thing and sacrifice himself to save the others. Monstro, like a big dog, forgets how big he is, and decides that he is going to dive through a very small hole to catch Pinocchio. FAIL! They are washed up on shore and find that Pinocchio is scrap wood. They all mourn until the blue fairy comes and decides that Pinocchio finally acted with bravery and unselfishness. Pinocchio is turned into a real boy and everyone celebrates! Gepetto breaks out some new moves. Oh, and Jiminy get's a badge for dealing with Pinocchio.

The original version is just as weird, but that will have to wait for another day. Stay tuned for part II!